Cry like a winner..on the inside

Since nobody reads my blog (its ok I planned it that way. I pretend I have my own separate internet world :)) I have decided to go ahead and do what I always tell people not to… I am going to cry, wail, stomp my foot, be pissed and cry some more. No one reads it so it is like crying on the inside right?????

Crash and burn, repeat… story of my life. I am at the crash and burn part.. again.

I suck.at.everything. I am not good at anything and it drives me nuts.  My dad once told five year old Jenny everyone had talents… It took me to age 15 to realize my first. I am a great liar. I loved to act, so I used it for good. I am always amazed that people believe me when I do lie (always teasing them). Thankfully, I never wanted to be a criminal so that talent is used only to tease people gently and swear to GOD you do not look one pound heavier.  My second talent? Selling my soul to anyone that needs it. You need something? I always want to do it for you. In some ways it has worked to my benefit. To date, I could not get laid off or fired to save my life… it is impossible, I have tried. The downside, giving your everything to someone leaves you with nothing… and that is not a great way to live life.

So the only two things I am good at? ARE REALLY BAD FOR ME.  I suck at knowing what to do with my life, making good life decisions, choosing wisely, decorating, dressing, shopping, cooking, being a good friend, driving. I mean really, I am not even average… I suck.

So I am going to cry like a baby about it tonight. Stand up, dust myself off and try to not repeat the cycle.

I did work out today……..so there is a glimmer of hope for me (ps. I sucked at that workout as well). I am useless……………..

 

~Oct 5, 2014

 

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And I am back

Ok, I need a little motivation…
1. I need to start working out, I need to lose weight. I need to get motivated. To go along with all three, I need to stop watching so much tv.

It is a horrible cycle I am in. I crash and burn, I recover, I focus, I look and feel great, I get a job, I overdo it, I spiral, I crash and burn, I recover (you get my point right)?

So I need to break this cycle and a dear friend reminded me that I set my own cycle… She was right, I hate her (ugh ok dislike her quite a bit at this exact moment). SO… here are my plans.
1. Tomorrow get done all the little errands I have been meaning to for a year.
2. Work out six days a week. Five days a week BEFORE work. One hour of OrangeTheory and then days I can also run. So 5 am class, 6 am run (Monday and Friday as I have to be at work too early on Tues-Thurs).

3. Work no more than 45 hours a week.
4. Pre-plan activities on the weekends so I do not just sit here.
5. Pre-plan any tv shows (less is more Jennifer) and stop watching reruns (ohh Big Bang Theory how I will miss you).
6. Make a game plan for work future.
7. I need to start looking for people that inspire me again, I loved that. )

I need to lose 20 lbs (maybe more, I am too afraid to weigh myself). I need to start really living life and stop being such an introvert. I need to also right a game plan for work so I can get going. Wait… I am making that number six, hold on… ok done. I thought of a number seven as well!!!

Daily Inspiration: Nick Goepper “Just Do”

Today my daily inspiration is 19-year old Nick Goepper.

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Nick Goepper

Nick became a media darling recently when he became the poster boy for the recently introduced Olympic sport of ski slopestyle. I could just list Nick as an inspiration for just being able to do this sport. IT IS INSANE, google it. The talent all the athletes have is amazing. I could just list Nick as an inspiration for having no fear. Really? To ski backwards off a jump doing a trick and 100 mph? WOW. I could have listed Nick (and almost did) for being my inspiration for doing his homework. This kid grew up with less snow in a season then I received in a day growing up in NH. He is credited for learning how to ski by watching tapes over and over and over and over and over and over (this is when his sister started hating him) and over and over and over and over. I could even… have listed his whole family as my inspiration. I grew up with an athlete and I know how hard the whole family has to work. His mom and dad had many trials and pushed through them.

So why is Nick my inspiration today if for not any of the reasons above?

Nick is my inspiration for “just doing”. He had a childlike (since he actually was a child for most of his life till this point) view of the world. You want something, you just do it.  Sigh, that sounds so simple doesn’t it? He had no idea his dream to ski and do the amazing tricks was impossible for him to learn where he lived.  He had no idea when he first started that it would be easier to learn on one of the coasts.

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YOU CANNOT LEARN HOW TO SKI SLOPESTYLE IN INDIANA NICK!

He just went ahead and built his own slope in his backyard with scraps from local construction sites. He then sprayed water and liquid soap to get his skis to slide.  He never thought “if only” he “just did it”.  He figured it out.  He did not watch those videos over and over thinking “if only” just got on his trampoline in the backyard and practiced the moves he watched for hours.  He was a kid… he knew his dad was out of work for two years. He must have felt the family stress but he never thought “if only”. He worked with his parents who made calls to find him a scholarship. He “just did”.

When his dad started making those phone calls? The people he was calling…. already knew who he was. He was a 12 year old from Indiana with a trampoline and a home built ski slope in his backyard.  NO ONE should have known who he was.  Why? Because I know hundreds of kids that have built wrestling rings, UFC rings, stages, skate parks, etc in their back yards.  What is the difference?  What made Nick the star?

He had the talent first.  More importantly, he had that internal knowledge he had that talent.  He had an amazing family.  His family pushed for him and he might possibly not be where he is without them (although I have my doubts and think his internal push would have gotten him there anyways).  He has a great attitude. He has no ego, just faith in himself. In article after article I read “Nick is so polite and soft spoken” used to describe him.  He loves the sport. I have seen many fail near the top because in the end, they had the talent but not the love. He has the drive and the smarts.  In the end…. he “just did it”.

So today, Nick Goepper is my inspiration. Thank you Nick!!!

http://www.indystar.com/story/sports/2014/01/16/olympic-skier-nick-goepper-got-his-start-in-indiana/4541159/

http://indianapublicmedia.org/news/indiana-skier-explains-olympic-sport-62551/

Daily Inspiration: Alice Herz-Sommer “Always laughing”

Alice Herz-Sommer passed away this past Sunday at the age of 110. She was the oldest known living survivor of the holocaust. Stop and think about that… all the lives changed during that time in history and she was the oldest living survivor.

Alice Herz-Sommer,

Alice Herz-Sommer,

What makes her my inspiration? To read her story on MSN brought me to tears.  I studied quite a bit about the holocaust. Mostly because I am a subscriber to the thinking that only by knowing history will we make sure never to repeat it.  The time, the stories, the lives lost, the friendship forged….. all breathtaking. Each story brings tears to my eyes. Alice’s story was different though. I read several media reports about her life and this one was the most positive (attached below).  She inspires me because she saw the good in every part of her life. Her quote “there was music how bad could it be”.  I get irritated when my house is 4 degrees colder then I like. I get upset when I really want a cookie and I cannot have one.  She went through the holocaust and states “how bad could it be.” Alice also had nice things to say about the Nazi that lived above her. She saw the good in someone who had a core belief that she should not exist. She lost her mom and to the day Alice died had no idea when her mom died or where.

Here is my favorite part of the article and why Mrs. Herz-Sommer was my number one pick:

An accomplished pianist, Herz-Sommer, her husband and her son were sent from Prague in 1943 to a concentration camp in the Czech city of Terezin — Theresienstadt in German — where inmates were allowed to stage concerts in which she frequently starred.

An estimated 140,000 Jews were sent to Terezin and 33,430 died there. About 88,000 were moved on to Auschwitz and other death camps, where most of them were killed. Herz-Sommer and her son, Stephan, were among fewer than 20,000 who were freed when the notorious camp was liberated by the Soviet army in May 1945.

Yet she remembered herself as “always laughing” during her time in Terezin, where the joy of making music kept them going.

“These concerts, the people are sitting there, old people, desolated and ill, and they came to the concerts and this music was for them our food. Music was our food. Through making music we were kept alive,” she once recalled.

“When we can play it cannot be so terrible.”

So to Alice Herz-Sommer I dedicate this post to you so I will always remember your story. I aspire to see the positive through every situation and hold tight to every silver lining in my life.  I want to be “always laughing”.

I encourage everyone to read this story without walking away shameful of every complaint you had in your life the past week!!

Thank you Alice, you are my inspiration.

http://news.msn.com/obits/oldest-known-holocaust-survivor-dies-at-110-1

Challenge ACCEPTED!

So regardless of how my past two posts sound, I really have been trying to stay positive.  Over the past few days a few stories have crossed my path that inspired me each for their own special reason.  So I gave myself a challenge. Post 365 inspiring posts about people that are out there inspiring people just by being who they authentically were born to be. Do you know what my response was to that challenge?? Yep, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED”.

365 days, 365 stories….. starting today. Here are the two goals:

1. 365 days, 365 inspiring stories. Reason, to make me focus on listening for the inspiration. To make me focus on the unsung hero’s in some cases and not just those we always hear about.

2. To have my story be 365 for a multiple of different reasons. 1. Because I hit goal one. 2. Because that leads me down the path where maybe I am inspiring to someone OR the stories inspire someone. 3. Find my authentic self somewhere along the way. 🙂

Ready?

Stupid voices..

Do you hear those voices? How can you not hear those voices? They are so clear…. All of them telling me in their own special way that I am worthless. All of them telling me with their smirk “I told you so”. All of those people from my past who felt the need to point out my flaws.

I feel like I am standing naked in New York’s Times Square. All of those people from my past pointing and laughing and just being mean.

Yep, I am having a really bad day. I am scared, very scared.  I was actually having a really good week until about an hour ago. I was feeling positive and motivated. A dear friend of mine found a great job in three days and just received an offer. I am SO happy for him!  I felt that motivated me and encouraged me.  I jumped on my computer to find out a job that I know I had nailed the phone interview…… had just emailed me to tell me that I had not been even selected for a sit down interview.  This is not a job past my skills or well underneath my ability. It was a job that directly used my experience and skills… and…. I…..did….not…..get…..an…….interview.

I am tired of sitting in my living room. I am tired of having anxiety. I am tired of waking up and thinking “TODAY IS THE DAY” and going to be bed saying “TOMORROW IS THE DAY.” I am tired of being angry, motivated, discouraged, etc.   I am REALLY tired of people complaining about their jobs.  I am really tired of beating myself up for making the choice to move here.

I am tired and I just want to go home. I just want the voices to stop.

Update: Feelings (Rated X)

This one is personal so feel free to “keep moving along” if you would like.

You are still here huh? Ok, I gave you fair warning. And do not just assume who this is written to, you might be very surprised.

I am going on 21 weeks without a job and I feel…

worthless, stupid, unworthy, cranky, scared, frightened, sick, and upset.

I had what I consider a great idea. No, it doesn’t raise cash. I am working on that big time as well. It is an idea that might be the next great idea.  It might raise a ton of cash, it has the ability if I try hard and the stars align and it just all comes together. I sent it to you, told you to take your time and review it and give me your thoughts….. you have not mentioned it once. It was sort of important to me, I thought I made my excitement clear. Now I am left to think worthless, stupid, unworthy, cranky, scared, frightened, sick, and upset.

Sad day. today I just want to go home. NH 1 GA 0

 

Aside

Maura Murray

I remember where I was in February 2004 when I first heard there was a girl missing named Maura Murray.  As more and more facts came out through the weeks and months my mind went to one phrase over and over. “Run Maura Run…….”. There are hundreds if not thousands of theories. I won’t even try to touch on them.  I did think of all the times that I could have easily gone missing.  I thought of that day I sat in a room in Hilton Head Island (Westin) and I realized that before I checked into that hotel there was not one person in the world that knew where I was. It was….it was breathtaking to have that feeling. Some people have that rush when they do extreme sports or win a debate..I feel it when I am quite sure no one in the world knows where I am.  I was young and not afraid.  I thought about the day that I had my best friend drop me off at the airport on a whim and I flew off to parts unknown. No one knew where I was.  (Sorry mom… she did realize I was missing and flipped out. I hate knowing that I caused her that feeling. However, it was a rush to realize no one could find me.) All my jobs that required travel… no one knew where I was.  I can go on.

Maura what were you thinking that night with all the liquor in your car and yet another car accident when the stranger stopped by to ask if you were ok?  I know most people, even if they are HUGE drinkers, prefer one type.  You had liquor and wine.  Were you going to meet someone Maura? Did you know you were in danger? Did you know you were running away or did you decide right then and there? Did you get that rush…and then run?

All that information that came out about you and your life. If you did run, I bet you never thought anyone would talk about it.  You did not think anyone would care enough or you hoped no one would care enough.  The stolen credit card, the car accident,  the cheating on your fiance, all the “dirt” we all have in our own lives…all out for the public. Not only is it out there but there are entire sites dedicated to it where people fight daily about what they think you were feeling/doing/saying.

But no one knows do they Maura? If you were murdered, or if you died in the woods… or if you did run… No matter which, in your heart, you really were running weren’t you Maura? It might have been for the week, it may have been for life, but you were running.  Maura…. I think about it to. I have for years.  It must be thrilling to just walk away.  I never could because of my parents.  I could never hurt them like that and I would miss them too much. You…. you struggled with yours. So maybe that last thing that kept me here… maybe you did not have that and felt you were free to fly.

Maura, I think about you a lot. I keep up to date on your case.  I wonder where you are. I hope you are at peace.  Sometimes I am even jealous of you. Maura, no matter if you are in those NH woods or in Montreal very much alive I hope you are at peace. I hope no one ever finds you if you do not want to be found. I hope they find you today if you do want to be found.

I will always remember you then and now. I will always think the same thing I did when the story first broke that maybe… just maybe you had chosen to run away….

download (3)download (4)“Run Maura………… Run”

“We are Ladies and Gentlemen serving Ladies and Gentlemen.”

Dear Ritz-Carlton.

I forgot to follow up last week and thank you for the beautiful follow up email I received.  I have 15+ years high end customer service specializing in hotels. I have operated multi-line phone systems and I have twice even managed a team of phone operators.  I thank you for the email last week telling me that my qualifications were not a match for the Communication Agent position (aka fancy smancy phone operator).  It leaves me to wonder if it was a 20 year old that has possibly never answered a multi-line phone system and therefor did not know what it was that passed me over or a software system.  I reviewed the qualifications requested just to be sure and check (X) check (X) and double check (XX) I was a perfect fit for them all. However, who am I to question being passed over as I cannot even get a job as a fancy smancy phone operator? What I REALLY appreciate is the extra kick today. After telling me last week (almost immediately) that I did not qualify I appreciate the additional email today telling me the position had been filled. Thank you for the kick while I was down.

It really does show the extra step you take fulfilling your motto “We are Ladies and Gentlemen serving Ladies and Gentlemen.”

Warm Regards,   Lady Jennifer Tucker

Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider you for our Agent-Communications position at The Ritz-Carlton. At this time we have decided to proceed with another candidate.
We appreciate the time and effort you took to apply and your interest in The Ritz-Carlton. We wish you all the best in your job search and hope that you will keep The Ritz-Carlton in mind for future career opportunities.
If you selected the option to receive job posting notifications, you will receive emails when future job openings match your profile. We invite you to visit our Ritz-Carlton and Marriott International Careers websites regularly at www.ritzcarlton.com/careers andwww.marriott.com/careers where you will find a list of all current job openings.
Best Regards,
The Recruiting Team
The Ritz-Carlton